Why is it so hard to make friends in Sydney?
As an adult, I’ve lived in six different cities other than my hometown. Sydney was by far the hardest city in which to make friends. Many expats over 30 will also struggle to make friends in Sydney. This is due to Sydney’s unique social dynamics and because, let’s face it, making friends over 30 is hard for everyone. Being new in town doesn’t help.
Sydney Specific Reasons Expats Over 30 Can’t Make Friends
In my opinion, it’s hard to make friends as an expat over 30 in Sydney for two main reasons. (1) Sydney is snobby and (2) Sydney is cliquey.
Sydney is snobby
Credit: Mashable / Vicky Leta
Let’s be blunt, Sydney is status obsessed (you know it’s true, Sydneysiders!). Sydney’s snobbery assesses everything from your career, to where you live, to how many properties you own, to your ethnic background, to which footie team/code you support, to where you went to high school. You are then placed in a complex and oftentimes contradictory hierarchy. Fall into the wrong category and, depending on the perspective, you’re either a bogan or, well, a snobby wanker.
Let’s examine two specific things Sydney is snobby about: money and high schools.
All About the Pineapples, Baby
Like a lot of cities, Sydney is snobby about money. Think heaps of cash alone will give you high status? Only if it’s the right kind of cash. Tradie money isn’t welcome in some pubs, if you’re wearing high-vis or other workwear, and dress codes or not uncommon. Real estate agent money is resented (some see it as too easy to earn and undeserved). Typical white collar job money is more or less respected – doctors, lawyers etc. But, don’t be too successful or proud of your accomplishments, in general, Australians don’t like the tall poppy.
Apparently, We’re Still in High School
Sydney is also snobby about where you went to high school. Yes, even if you’re over 30. Many Sydneysiders still passionately discuss (and judge) where fellow Sydneysiders went to high school. It might seem obvious that private schools have the highest status. However, there are varying levels of status within the private school system. Although Catholic (and other religious) schools are considered as second in school status, some religious schools are considered higher status than certain private schools. Many students attending religious schools aren’t necessarily there for the religious education. Many Sydneysiders see religious schools as a hack to get private school status without the private school price. Public schools are a distant third in status, except for perhaps selective schools.
It’s important to note the private system isn’t always better academically compared to the public system. Parents send their children to these schools for the connections and the status. This school status system is complicated and seems irrelevant if you don’t have kids. But, if you think none of this matters because you’re over 30, just remember that someone in a job interview asked me where James went to high school.
How you’ve made your money and where you went to high school are only two things that Sydney is snobby about. (I won’t list all of the things because this post would never end!) But, these two examples can give you an idea of the hidden class system, which as an expat, you may never fully understand. Mercifully, new expats (and Aussie transplants from beyond the Sydney Metropolitan Area) aren’t really part of the hierarchy. While expats are shielded from some snobbery, being outside of the class system means that some Sydneysiders simply aren’t that interested in getting to know you.
Sydney is cliquey
A common complaint from expats over 30 is that all of their friends are other expats or Aussie transplants. Many expats don’t understand why they aren’t able to have meaningful friendships with Sydneysiders. It’s because Sydney is cliquey.
Sydneysiders stick close to home
A big reason that Sydney is cliquey, is that unlike in the United States where many students move to new cities to attend college, Sydneysiders typically continue to live with their families while attending nearby universities.
As a result, many Sydneysiders don’t understand how hard it is to make friends. Therefore, they won’t go out of their way for the new over 30 expat in town. Remember breaking into a cold sweat after being dumped on the steps of a dorm with a mini-fridge? Followed by a smack in the face with the realization that you don’t actually know anyone on campus (or is this just me???). Well, Sydneysiders probably don’t.
Instead of sidling up to a group of classmates with an awkward “so, like, what’s everyone doing tonight?,” Sydneysiders just called their high school friends. They didn’t hold their breath while scanning the dining hall for someone vaguely recognizable so they didn’t have to eat alone (again). Mum was still cooking dinner for the family at 6pm every night.
Essentially, many Sydneysiders were never pushed outside of their comfort zone with respect to making new friends. So, they don’t have a lot of empathy for someone new to Sydney. They don’t know how hard it is to make friends in Sydney, so they don’t proactively reach out.
High School, Again
Even though many Sydneysiders most likely picked up some new friends at uni, a lot of them continued to hang out with their high school clique. Making new friends was low pressure. Many Sydneysiders could still party with the high school crew, even if nobody in Econ 101 would talk to them.
As a result, the same group of friends marked the milestones of their teens and also their 20s together. Not only did they smoke their first cigarette together at a train station and party at Schoolies together, they also supported each other through first jobs and celebrated each other’s weddings. For many, the high school clique rode the 20s rollercoaster together, reinforcing their long held bonds. As a result, as one Sydneysider infamously told a friend of mine, she doesn’t need any new friends.
If you are an expat over 30 moving to Sydney, understanding that Sydney is snobby and cliquey may ease the transition. On an individual level, many Sydneysiders are friendly and unlikely to be openly rude to you. (Australians are too polite for that). However, most likely won’t proactively befriend you or incorporate you into their existing social circle. It can be hard for expats over 30 to penetrate past basic chit chat about weekend plans (an invite for which is not forthcoming) or the weather. It’s absolutely okay to be primarily friends with other expats!
General Reasons Expats Over 30 Can’t Make Friends
Sydney’s invisible social hierarchies aside, making friends for expats over 30 is still difficult. Expats over 30 are unlikely to be in the living or work arrangements conducive to easily making friends. Plus, a lot of people over 30 just aren’t up for making new friends.
Your Hostel Days are Over
Well over 30 in a Byron Bay hostel
Many people moving to Sydney in their 20s are backpackers, students or working-holiday visa holders. Expats over 30 are unlikely to be any of these things, and therefore, miss out on the built in social opportunities.
Expats over 30 may have outgrown the hostel, but living in an apartment or a house doesn’t provide the same electrifying social atmosphere as backpacker accommodation. Hostels encourage social interaction by design. There’s usually a bar, planned events and activities, maybe even a pool table or other games. Travelers in hostels want to meet other travelers, swap tips (or if they are lucky, bodily fluids) and party. Everyone is on holiday and looking for a good time. Living alone, or even with roommates, just isn’t the same social vibe.
Expats over 30 are unlikely to be either students or working-holiday visa holders (if you’re over 30, you’re too old to qualify). Students spend a lot of time with people of similar ages and share the common experience of studying, taking classes etc. This environment allows for social interaction, encouraged by school-sponsored activities and the uni bar. Similarly, working-holiday visa holders, many of whom are backpackers with the ability to work, are working in social jobs with co-workers also open to new experience and connections – bartenders, servers, tour guides etc. Less so in more permanent workplaces, especially the more corporate environments in Sydney. At three of the corporate jobs that I’ve had in Sydney, the only thing I’ve had in common with my colleagues is that we worked at the same company.
Expats Over 30 have Varied Life Experiences
In your 20s most people are in a similar place in life – students, entry-level jobs, not yet married etc. Weekends often tended to revolve around social plans, and for many, drinking. It was easy to make friends when your biggest commitment was Taco Tuesday and 2 for 1 margaritas.
As you cross into your 30s and beyond, priorities and lifestyles change. Some marry, some divorce, some stay single, some with kids, some who don’t want kids, some desperate for kids undergoing fertility treatments, some climbing the corporate ladder, some pursuing passions, some still partying, some getting super into running half-marathons etc. As lifestyles begin to vary dramatically, it can be hard to find common ground to start friendships in a new country.
For many people, your 30s and beyond are marked by increased responsibilities and declining physical energy. Socializing just doesn’t seem as important anymore. Also, hangovers are much worse. Even if you have the desire to make new friends, other people in your age group may be less receptive. You may be new to Sydney and excited to explore the city. For those who aren’t so new, it might be hard to summon the energy to eat a restaurant they’ve been to before or get a sitter for trivia.
Conclusion
There’s no way to sugar coat it, expats over 30 in Sydney are going to have a hard time making friends. Sydney is snobby and cliquey. On top of that, making friends over 30, anywhere, is no easy task.
Don’t lose hope! If socializing is important to you, check out X ways for expats over 30 to make friends in Sydney.